Freedom

When I found her, it was not so much a discovery as
the inevitable culmination of all that had amounted to
the years of her life.

The difficulties of standard social pleasantries and
social scenes had never been lost on me, or rather I
have never mastered the art of social maneuvering, My
concept of humans as one united mass pulsating as an
organism of the Earth has been never been the most
keen, thus the fragile social ties that I have managed
to maintain through the years have been strained,
amazing it is the houses built on sand have not been
embraced by the tide, though I do not hold any false
hopes for the future.
Thus, when I was obligated to inform my relatives and
relations of the events that had just transposed, I
responded in a casually somber tone, not given to
hysterics, no draining spiders down the plughole, they
all complimented at how strong I had been in handling
this situation.
The truth is strength has nothing to do with it.
The truth is that I felt not happy nor said, the
truth is that I felt nothing, except for perhaps some
remote guilt at my lack of feeling, I would have loved
nothing better than to be enveloped by a spell of
hysterical grief, to dress in ash and sackcloth and
pound my fists at the Gods demanding some rational
explanation for as to how this despicable act had
occurred, how they could have bared to stand by and
watch this unforgivable action to transpose.
But any attempts to elicit some response resembling
pity would be a foray into deceit. The fact of the
world and all that is in it remains clear, my emotions
were in of a resemblance no way noble.
When I found her, my wife no longer lay among the
living, having ingested a large quantity of
prescription medication ingested with Vodka, which I
found rather odd, for she almost never took her
medication. I found a most ambiguous ending to what up
until then had been a most agreeable day. Though
nothing particularly special of note had occurred, I
had awoken with a sort of unintentional joy, an
unexplainable skip in my step pushed me forward
through the actions required of me throughout the day.
I even entered my humble abode with a sort of
enthusiasm I rarely hold for the hearth of home.
That's when I saw her.
When I found her, there was nothing that can be said
of the matter, for no words can be spoken which shall
arise the dead, no witty retorts which shall undo what
has been bounded together into the embers.
Although her body had expired rather recently, her
soul to take had flown away long ago, her will wisped
away for reasons I shall never understand, she was so
secretive, only in her most fragile of moments would
she reveal crucial details of what made her what she
was, and even when she was in such a confessional
state, the details I could not bear to hear, not out
of indifference, but of cowardice. Though my empathy
was deep felt, my reverence for some untarnished
image of her, The Madonna, would be put in serious
jeopardy and I wished to not tread further into such
unholy territory.
The sacred territory would be trampled soon enough.
After we had wed in holy union, all unity of a sacred
chastity came crashing down, which in retrospect
should come as no surprise, for I have found all that
I have held sacred has degenerated into the filth of
the world and all that is the case sooner of later.
The tighter one grasps, the quicker one shall be
caught.
And caught I was, to late to see the error of my
ways, the divergence from the pious and narrow path,
and although she no longer confessed to me those
crucial details of what had made her, I nevertheless
was subject many painful glimpses of what she had
become.
Infused with Vodka and the malice of her upbringing,
she would at times become a demon intent on wreaking
havoc unto the world, I would do my best to mollify
her, but passive compensation would not satisfy her,
Demi Gods may be appeased with Wine and Flowers… Real
Gods require blood.
Though now God is dead, the procession continues on
with utmost regularity, platitudes and well meaning
aphorisms, all of which are inflected with the best of
intentions, and the most shallow of investment.
Nevertheless, I maintain a reserved gaze, learning
all of the formal regularities for an occasion such as
this, for funerals are an especially important time in
which to enact proper actions.
Everything in its right place.
Still, I cannot be certain whether this should be a
somber or downcast concern, with freedom I am now
faced, in freedom I am powerless, to freedom I am
condemned.