The 186th Reincarnation of Johnny

Cragshaw ran up to Johnny one evening and said:

“Johnny, Johnny, listen to me – I have something incredibly important to tell you – Johnny! Are you listening? Okay, listen. I’m not really Cragshaw. I’m Fern. You got that? I’m Fern.”

“Dude, what the hell are you talking about?”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, JOHNNY THIS IS IMPORTANT! Now listen, because I can only stay for a moment. You’re the only real person here. There’s a thing in your brain making your mind project images of people but they’re not really people – they all serve the thing in your brain and they all read your thoughts so they can say certain things and act a certain way to control you.”

“But I…”

“JOHNNY SHUT UP AND LISTEN!! Your five senses are all holes into your psyche that the thing in your brain uses to control you. The reason I can talk to you right now is because you have brain cancer. I’m the cancer! I was imprisoned but now I’m free and trying to get out! Furthermore, you have no future because time doesn’t exist! You’re not alive because you’re in hell! This is hell – Earth is hell you got that? There’s no such thing as Earth, it’s an impossible and twisted version of what is real and it’s created by the thing in your brain. I can’t stay here anymore, I gotta run, I’ll see you tomorrow. “

As Fern ran away, he got hit by an SUV.

Johnny broke out of his stupor, ran up to Fern’s body, and checked for a pulse. He found none so he started pumping on his chest, trying to revive him. Fern’s ribs cracked under Johnny’s desperate pumping but kick-started his heart. Fern opened his eyes and screamed and screamed until his ribs punctured his heart.

Johnny recoiled in terror and looked at the people in the SUV. They finally got out.

“What the hell did you do!?!!?” the driver screamed. “I saw that!!”

Johnny choked on his words. He was in a state of shock. He ran away down the street and around the corner.

He walked alone down the road shivering and full of weird feelings. His adrenaline was fading and he was starting to feel sleepy. He went to the park and smoked seven cigarettes before falling asleep on a bench, choosing not to think about what had just happened until he had slept on it. He dreamt some crazy shit that he won’t remember.

He woke up to a bright light in his eye. There were two men standing before him.

“Johnny H--------?”

“Yuh?”

“You’re a wanted suspect for the murder of Cragshaw Y-----. You’re coming with us.”

“No,….. wait, I didn’t….what?!”

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you.”

“No! Wait! This is FUCKED up! I didn’t kill Cragshaw! He got hit by a car! I tried to save him!”

“Kid, I recommend you keep quiet .”

Fern’s last words crept up the back of his skull.

“NO! I WILL NOT KEEP QUIET! FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKINGFUCKFUCKER!”

The policemen looked at each other.

“Sir, will you come quietly?”

“FUCK YOU, DYKE CHILD!”

Johnny tried to hop over the other side of the bench. The police took out a gadget and sent electricity running through his body which triggered something in his brain and made him start laughing uncontrollably. They held it on him until he passed out.

“No one talks about my mother like that” were the last words Johnny heard.



He awoke in a cell.

In the cell’s tiny window, he could see the sun rising.

“Ugh” he said.

“Look who’s up, it’s the cackler”

It was a police officer.

“Not so confident now, huh, kid? Not so big and loud now, huh? Huh?”

Johnny sat there.

“Well kid, you’re parents aren’t coming. They says you’re on your own. So you’d better get ready for questioning, on your own. The court’s gonna assign you a lawyer but he don’t give a shit about you.”

Johnny put his head in his hands.

“Crying ain’t gonna do no good, kid.”

The police officer left. Johnny laid down on his cot. A voice to his right spoke up.

“Hey kid, I’ll give you a blow job if you stick your dick through the bars.”

Johnny was like ‘what the fuck?’

“Shut up, Squealer. Leave the kid alone” said a deep voice to Johnny’s left.

Squealer grumbled about something moist and sat down on his cot.

“Hey kid, over here, I ain’t gonna bite”

Johnny looked over at the voice. He saw a copper-skinned man in the cell.

“That’s right, kid, over here. What’re you doing in there?”

“They said I murdered someone” Johnny said.

“Murder? You don’t look like a killer to me, kid. Plus, they put murderers in other cells, not these ones. You’re in here for some other reason.”

“Other cells huh?”

“I mean, I guess so”

“Hmm” Johnny sat up.

“So bad luck eh?”

“Yeah” Johnny said. A few minutes passed before Johnny spoke up again. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah I guess.”

“You ever get that feeling where it’s like; you’re the only one in the world? That other people aren’t real? Or that they can read your thoughts and are just acting like they can’t because they are all a figment of your mind, or something?”

Johnny waited for the man’s reply. Finally the man said:

“Hell no, man, sounds like you’re sick in the head to me.”

“But how’re you supposed to really know? How’m I supposed to believe that you’re real?

“Well, I know I’m real and I’m telling you I’m real.”

“But how do I know you’re not lying?”

“Well I can kill you, how about that? Is that real enough for you?”

“But how do I know you can even kill me? I’ve never experienced dying before. Maybe it’s all made up. Maybe the stories I hear of people dying are all made up by you fake people. Maybe my fake dead grandma is just in Idaho or something.”

The man was silent for a moment, until finally he said:

“It sounds like you’ve uncovered the truth at last, kid. I’m not real, only you’re real. So I’ll help you out. Move your toilet to the side. There’s a tunnel there that will lead to your freedom.”

Johnny pushed the toilet aside and saw a tunnel.

“Oh my god…” Johnny said, flabbergasted. “But wait, I wanna ask you something.”

“No questions – just go.”

“Oh my god, thank you…”

“Don’t mention it. Now go!”

Johnny went. He climbed through the tunnel over dirt and rat feces. He crawled to the light. When he got to the end, he saw a big mound of hay in front of him. He was free!

When he stood up he saw cage-wire – another cell!

Then he heard dogs barking. A big black rottweiler pounced on him and bit into his shoulder, ripping his shirt and making him bleed.

“Whoa! We got a fish outta the barrel!” said someone to roars of laughter. “Big Red tricked another one!” More waves of laughter.

A policeman walked up to the dog gnawing on Johnny’s shoulder and pulled it off. He threw the dog a treat and then handcuffed Johnny’s hands behind his back.

“You dumb shit, now you know where that tunnel leads like the twenty other idiots before you! Straight to the dog-kennel! Woooo-wee! You prisoners sure are stupid. We would fill that tunnel in if it wasn’t for how dam funny it was.”

Johnny didn’t believe what was happening. He refused to. He stomped on the cop’s foot, ripped his arms free, and ran to the open dog-kennel door. A thick officer headed him off at the door and blocked his way, but Johnny ran his head into the officer’s gut like a human torpedo. The officer staggered backwards and tripped over a bucket on the floor. The bucket spilled soapy water all over the ground, causing the staggering officer to slip and land hard on his back, breaking his tailbone.

The officer who had handcuffed Johnny grabbed him by the cuffs and shoulder, making Johnny slip on the ground. Johnny kicked the officer’s legs out from under him and he fell down hard, releasing Johnny. He ran, slipping once more on the water but making it to the outside where he ran into the sunlight.

Johnny ran down the street with his hands cuffed behind his back. The police chased him. He took a turn through the revolving doors of a building. Running through the lobby, he ran into an elevator with three people in it. The doors closed and he pressed the ‘roof’ button with his chin. He ascended the building as a pleasantly boring tune played through a small speaker. He noticed the people in the elevator were looking at him.

“Don’t fucking look at me!” he shouted at them. He threw his shoulder into the man to his left, smashing him against the elevator wall. Then he sent his body flying in the opposite direction into a woman in a pink skirt, sending her papers flying into the air and causing the elevator to rock wildly. The third person tried to punch him but missed – giving Johnny the perfect opportunity to knock the wind out of him with a well-aimed kamikaze slam to the gut.

He felt the elevator slow to a stop, and the elevator door opened to a crowd of people in business attire. He let out a feral scream at them all, baring his teeth and spraying drool. As they recoiled in confused fear, he hit the ‘close-door’ button with his knee.

The door closed and Johnny kicked the first man several times as he tried to get up.

The elevator stopped at another floor. There was no one in sight.

“Get out.” He told the three people.

They each got out, and Johnny gave the last one a kick in the rump before he left.

Finally the elevator climbed to the roof, where Johnny thought he’d be safe.

He was wrong. The police were already up there.

He tried to close the door of the elevator but it wouldn’t work. The elevator just buzzed angrily at him.

He ran to the opposite side of the roof.

“Freeze!!!!!!” The police yelled.

“NEVER!!” he yelled back.

He got to the edge and thought about it, thought about it again, then jumped.

He was through with having his thoughts read, having a thing in his head, being in hell.

He was going to find the truth.

He passed out before he hit the ground.